“Mother’s Day”

 It’s here, that special day in May that as boys or men we all should never ignore. It’s the day that we can all sit back and reflect on to remember how we got here in the first place and how we became who we are today. It can also be the day that we recognize the hard work and devotion that our significant others put in year in and year out raising our children along with juggling their own careers and juggling us. Oh yes, I am talking about “Mother’s day.” And believe me, if you miss or forget about it, the couch will be your very good friend for the next week or possibly longer.

Just like Valentine’s day, her birthday, or your anniversary,  Mother’s day is a day that, although not mentioned out loud, is the most important day of the calendar year. Now you’re laughing right now, going, wait a minute, “what about Super Bowl Sunday, opening day in Major League Baseball, the opening day of March Madness, or maybe even the Daytona 500?” Don’t laugh, it’s true.

We are sports fans, we know it. What does that mean to her?

Maybe there’s a reason that women seem to be saying all the time, “All men care about is sports! They don’t listen! (What did she say?) They don’t understand us!” To which we nod mindlessly and reply, “Hon, did you DVR the Rockies game for me?”

But before game 6 of the Nuggets/Lakers series starts tonight, as guys we would very much like to say to the women in our lives, “Why is it always about you? How about you trying to understand us for once? For instance..........

When she says, “Put some Neosporin ointment on that cut. It will reduce the scaring,” she doesn’t get it. We want it to scare more. Just because we haven’t played catch in years, it’s not okay for her to throw out your baseball mitt. Don’t throw away that old ratty college sweat shirt that we wear (if it could talk it would have some stories). Should I go on?

If she has something to tell us, don’t do it during SportsCenter. Because when she comes up and says, “I’ve decided not to get my masters and do do something else, like sing,” we hear, “I’ve decided the Masters will be won by Els or Singh.”

She says it boggles her mind how we can watch a college basketball game that was played in 1969. Or for me watch the 2005 BCS national championship over and over again.

We say it boggles our mind how she can watch Rachel Ray bake a meatloaf.

She can vacuum all she wants, we are not turning off the third game of the Thunder/Maverick series.

We don’t really get some of her holidays like Valentines day. Flowers, candy? Why is it a one way street? Why can’t it be the day when they give us a new sleeve of Titleists?

Really, honestly, no joke; We don’t give a nose hair about which curtains to pick, or which table cloth to use. All we want is one room where we can sit in the Denver Bronco helmet chair you hate, and watch the game.

And when we get home from the golf course, there’s no point asking, how did Anthony’s operation go? We have no idea. When we were on the course, we were either talking about the last shot, the next shot, sex, or the game! It isn’t Dr Phil!

In a nut shell, here’s what we don’t get about her:

1)  Her friends don’t have nicknames.

2)  She never spits.

3)  She never wants her own fries she just eats mine.

4)  Why does she say, “If your team frustrates you so much, why do you still watch them? (That’s like men saying, “If your kids frustrate you so much, why don’t you sell them?”) They are our teams forever.

5)  How does she throw out so many words and talk so fast first thing in the morning?

And here are things she needs to know about us:

1)  We know we’ve got zero shot with the swimsuit models. But do we spoil it for her with George Clooney?

2)  We never stop competing. Ever. Whether it’s not letting that Porsche behind us pass, or tossing crumpled paper into the trash can, or getting the promotion---we are always trying to beat the other guy.

3)  Certain things are to never be brought up in front of the guys: (the Nuggets pajamas, the Bronco house slippers, the Rockies boxer shorts, how we whine when we are sick).

4)  We like it when you ask us to open a jar or kill a bug.

5)  Women aren’t the only one’s who are insecure. When we meet a guy for the first time, we think, “Could I kick his butt?” When we meet a woman for the first time, we think, “Would she sleep with me?”

6)  When we go to the neighbors BBQ this weekend, she can hug the neighbor as long as she wants, laugh at his jokes too. That won’t make us jealous. But if she comes back home and says that his flat screen is bigger, then we have issues!

7)  She says that we don’t plan for the future. That’s a lie. For the Super Bowl didn’t we buy two cases of beer?

8)  She doesn’t get why the last two minutes of the game take 30 minutes. We don’t get why, (when she says) “I’ll be ready in two minutes” it takes 30.

But the truth is, we love her more than we say and need her more than she knows.

“Now will you tell us where you hid the remote”?

“Happy Mother’s Day”